Every now and then, there comes a wave of intense
media scrutiny on parenting. Back in 2012, Elisabeth
Badinter released her book The Conflict: How Modern
Motherhood Undermines the Status of Women.
Shortly thereafter, Time magazine ran a cover story,
“Are You Mom Enough?”—the confrontational
headline flanking an attention-grabbing image of a
mother breastfeeding her standing, 3-year-old son.
In both cases, the media energy turned frenetic, with
other major news outlets—including Pathways—
clamoring to chime in with their fresh take on the
story, newspapers churning out editorials, mom
bloggers in uproar, and comedians having a heyday.
The year before, a similar media frenzy ensued when
Amy Chua released Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother.
As a mom to two daughters, I can’t help ponder why
parenting, particularly motherhood, presses such hot
societal buttons.
I’ve come to think that part of the problem is our
human nature—the tendency to divide into good and
bad, right and wrong. It also seems partly due to the
viral nature of the news media in this digital age.
The other significant piece, I believe, is that when it
comes to parenting, we’ve lost our confidence.
There’s a lot of judgment heaped on parents overall.
Everyone seems compelled to dole out uninvited
opinions whenever children are involved—from friends
to family members to total strangers.
Every time I fly with my children, I find myself in a state
of alarm. On one five-hour flight years ago,
my 2-year old spent four-and-a-half hours joyfully looking at
books, playing with toys, and happily chatting…
followed by nine (highly uncomfortable) minutes of
loud crying, kicking, and screaming when forced to be
buckled into her seat at the start of our descent.
After the plane had parked at the gate and we all stood
in that awkward stillness and quiet while everyone
waited for the de-boarding process to begin, one
woman several rows ahead of us pointed at me and
loudly announced, “You’ve got a real screamer there.”
Nobody breathed a word while the woman waited for
my response. Her index finger remained pointed, ready
for battle. The awkward silence as all the other
passengers stared at me, too, made me feel as if they
concurred.
If it hadn’t been for one woman who later whispered,
“I thought she did great!” I’m not sure how long it
would have taken me to pull my mind out of the
shameful place it was headed, asking myself, several
months before Time ran its cover story, whether I was
mom enough. In that moment I felt an almost
desperate need for outside validation.
I could go on, with dozens of similar examples in my
career as a parent. The point is that our parenting
confidence is already tender thanks to pervasive
societal judgment. So these occasional media frenzies
only chip away at that already fragile place, leaving us
searching outside ourselves for the answers, never fully
trusting ourselves in knowing what’s in our children’s
best interests. We’ve bought into the fact that our
approach to parenting must fit in, or that our children
should act in socially appropriate ways right out of the
Baby Bjorn carrier. Our lack of confidence is creating a
market for this kind of media hype.
Since I sought out child development material from the
Neufeld Institute, my parenting confidence has been
building. Mind you, I was initially drawn to the material
looking for specific answers to very specific struggles.
What I found, though, was so much richer than that. I
learned the vocabulary to bring various developmental
dynamics to consciousness, and I’ve been provided with
a map for how to help children reach their full
developmental potential.
It sounds lofty, yes, but thanks to my understanding,
now, of the conditions children need to truly grow up
and mature, for the most part I’m able to turn off those
nasty, nagging worries about what I’m doing wrong
that’s turning my 2-year-old into a “real screamer,” and
instead focus on the big picture: how I can provide a
safe, deep attachment to help grow my children into
resilient, soft-hearted, independent people.
For me, it comes down to parenting with confidence—
believing that I’m big enough, mom enough, and my
children’s answer. This confidence comes from within.
It’s intuition-based—not expert-based, not technique based,
not learning-based, and definitely not media based.
During his keynote address at a Neufeld Institute
Parent Conference, Dr. Gordon Neufeld said, “What
children need is for us to resume our rightful role in
their lives, to believe that we are their best bet. If we
believe it, then we’ll become that. But it must start
from a place of presentation, from believing in
ourselves as the child’s best bet.”
I love this reminder, which came for me at exactly the
right time—just days before another blast on parenting
in the media. And it’s so very true. Parents aren’t in
need of the right answer. Parents are the answer.
—Sara Easterly
